I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
