A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
