Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
