Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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