did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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