her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
