What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
