he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
