her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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