he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
