Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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