I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
