All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize