She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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