I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
