While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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