Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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