When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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