how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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