"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
