The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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