hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
