I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize