Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
