he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize