i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
