New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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