I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
