I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize