what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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