an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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