Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
