I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
