this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
