I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
