The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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