Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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