I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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