she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
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