There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
