I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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