Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
