My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
