Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
