Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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