We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
