he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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