you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
