I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize