I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
