My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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