At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
