I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
