Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
