I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
