My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
