I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
