i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
