i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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