I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
