Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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