I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
