OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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