The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
