I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
