You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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