So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What a dumb baby whore.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
