Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
