If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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